Patrick Thompson

Dozing off in my armchair isn't usually something that causes much laughter. Not even amongst those who are used to seeing a naked, fat, bald, hairy, snoring, farting old guy with a cushion clasped to his leg to prevent cramps. If you add a cheeky 12 year old lad who has been temporarily abandoned in the same room with a large box of stage make-up, you can just about predict how this story pans out!
I know I sleep more than in an 'unconscious' state sometimes, I am aware that various noises emanating from many orifices can cause more than pollution & shortage of breathable air, but what happened to my bald pate and my 'senior' complexion is just not right! A certain lad thought he suddenly had potential as a creator of a clown make-up to outdo many famous comical genius fools.
When our neighbour popped by to leave a parcel, she let out an audibly loud intake of breath when she saw me, I thought "How odd, she has seen my nude Adonis like figure before?"… When our regular feline visitor, who tries to capture stray birds in our garden, lets out a pain stricken meow as it leaps a metre & half over a fence, I begin to feel something is not quite as it ought to be!
Then as the sound of my nieces car arriving by our front door caused a certain agile young man to leap a garden gate over a metre high, I ought to have realised at least that not everything was quite 'hunky-dory' as perhaps it could have been. When the front door opened I had my back to it, I heard my wife say, "The silly old fool is still naked!"
Then.. and with a screeching yelp… I heard my niece scream… "Oh no! Where the F*ck is that little sh*t!"
My next sentence can't be scribed here, I might be accused of threatening a juvenile some damage with a rather solid metal walking stick!